camper4lyfe | (no subject)

Nuclear-power-plant safety inspector, 39, Springfield
Interviewed by John Frink and Don Payne

-When someone tells you your butt is on fire, you should take them at their word.

-There is no such thing as a bad doughnut.

-Kids are like monkeys, only louder.

-If you want results, press the red button. The rest are useless.

-There are many different religions in this world, but if you look at them carefully, you'll see that they all have one thing in common: They were invented by a giant, superintelligent slug named Dennis.

-You should just name your third kid Baby. Trust me -- it'll save you a lot of hassle.

-You can have many different jobs and still be lazy.

-I enjoy the great taste of Duff. Yes, Duff is the only beer for me. Smooth, creamy Duff . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

-You can get free stuff if you mention a product in a magazine interview. Like Chips Ahoy! cookies.

-You may think it's easier to de-ice your windshield with a flamethrower, but there are repercussions. Serious repercussions.

-There are some things that just aren't meant to be eaten.

-The intelligent man wins his battles with pointed words. I'm sorry -- I meant sticks. Pointed sticks.

-There are way too many numbers. The world would be a better place if we lost half of them -- starting with 8. I've always hated 8.

-If I had a dollar for every time I heard "My God! He's covered in some sort of goo," I'd be a rich man.

-Be generous in the bedroom -- share your sandwich.

-I've climbed the highest mountains . . . fallen down the deepest valleys . . . I've been to Japan and Africa . . . and I've even gone into space. But I'd trade it all for a piece of candy right now.

-Every creature on God's earth has a right to exist. Except for that damn ruby-throated South American warbler.

-I don't need a surgeon telling me how to operate on myself.

-Sometimes I think there's no reason to get out of bed . . . then I feel wet, and I realize there is.

-Let me just say, Winnie the Pooh getting his head caught in a honey pot? It's not funny. It can really happen.

-Even though it is awesome and powerful, I don't take no guff from the ocean.

-I never ate an animal I didn't like.

-A fool and his money are soon parted. I would pay anyone a lot of money to explain that to me.

-Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll get a hook caught on his eyelid or something.

-I made a deal with myself ten years ago . . . and got ripped off.

-Never leave your car keys in a reactor core.

-Always trust your first instinct -- unless it tells you to use your life savings to develop a Destructo Ray.

-When you borrow something from your neighbor, always do it under the cover of darkness.

-If a spaceship landed and aliens took me back to their planet and made me their leader, and I got to spend the rest of my life eating doughnuts and watching alien dancing girls and ruling with a swift and merciless hand? That would be sweet.

-I may not be the richest man on earth. Or the smartest. Or the handsomest.

-Never throw a butcher knife in anger.

-The office is no place for off-color remarks or offensive jokes. That's why I never go there.

-My favorite color is chocolate.

-Always feel with your heart, although it's better with your hands.

-The hardest thing I've had to face as a father was burying my own child. He climbed back out, but it still hurts.

-If doctors are so right, why am I still alive?

-I'm not afraid to say the word racism, or the words doormat and bee stinger.

-Always have plenty of clean white shirts and blue pants.

-When that guy turned water into wine, he obviously wasn't thinking of us Duff drinkers.

-I love natural disasters because we're allowed to get out of work.

-When I'm dead, I'm going to sleep. Oh, man, am I going to sleep.

-What kind of fool would leave a pie on a windowsill, anyway?