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Jul. 17th, 2007 12:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
camper4lyfeI'm still reeling from yesterday.
It's been 6 years since the accident that took the life of a wonderful young woman (Skye can attest to this). She had an air about her that I can't describe. Skye calls her our angel among us. I think even that isn't enough.
I loved Paula very much*. I gave so much of myself, and for the first time, truly opened up to someone and gave them everything that I was. I was ready to do anything and go anywhere with her at the drop of a hat.
When she died, something happened. I lost who I was. I closed myself off to the world. I shut everyone out. "They can't hurt me if they can't get inside." It's hard for me to get past that, but I'm working on it.
This year was different. It's been 6 years...throw a leap year in the mix, and you've got July 16th falling on a Monday for the first time since the accident. I've been off. I'm still here and doing my thing, but I'm off.
I appreciate the support I get from everyone, especially Kim (for putting up with me and being so patient).
Tears are burning my face.
I can’t see anything.
I stand here and all I can do is look.
All I see is earth tones covered with spots of bright colors.
Lots of colors yet so dull.
The colors lack.
I feel so empty.
There’s something missing.
Something missing from deep inside me.
A piece of me has gone to a better place.
A better place with no more pain.
No more suffering.
No more worries.
Where do we go from here?
How do we go on?
How are we supposed to go on without you?
The pain and suffering is strong and deep.
You’re gone, but there’s always a piece of you that stays.
We want to stop, but we can’t.
We must go on without you.
How?
I still don't have an answer to this. I don't cry about it anymore, though I still feel it. I'd never wish anything like this on anyone, though I know that others suffer with me.
And because it's my journal, and I want to...
*one must keep in mind that we were only dating for roughly 6 weeks...so we were still in the "honeymoon stage". How things would have progressed past those 6 weeks if she were still here, I don't know. I'll never know. All I know is that I've mad ea damned good life for myself over the past 6 years, and wouldn't change it for anything. Yes, I sometimes wonder where I'd be or what I'd be doing now, if she were still alive...but those are just questions that will never have an answer.
It's been 6 years since the accident that took the life of a wonderful young woman (Skye can attest to this). She had an air about her that I can't describe. Skye calls her our angel among us. I think even that isn't enough.
I loved Paula very much*. I gave so much of myself, and for the first time, truly opened up to someone and gave them everything that I was. I was ready to do anything and go anywhere with her at the drop of a hat.
When she died, something happened. I lost who I was. I closed myself off to the world. I shut everyone out. "They can't hurt me if they can't get inside." It's hard for me to get past that, but I'm working on it.
This year was different. It's been 6 years...throw a leap year in the mix, and you've got July 16th falling on a Monday for the first time since the accident. I've been off. I'm still here and doing my thing, but I'm off.
I appreciate the support I get from everyone, especially Kim (for putting up with me and being so patient).
Tears are burning my face.
I can’t see anything.
I stand here and all I can do is look.
All I see is earth tones covered with spots of bright colors.
Lots of colors yet so dull.
The colors lack.
I feel so empty.
There’s something missing.
Something missing from deep inside me.
A piece of me has gone to a better place.
A better place with no more pain.
No more suffering.
No more worries.
Where do we go from here?
How do we go on?
How are we supposed to go on without you?
The pain and suffering is strong and deep.
You’re gone, but there’s always a piece of you that stays.
We want to stop, but we can’t.
We must go on without you.
How?
I still don't have an answer to this. I don't cry about it anymore, though I still feel it. I'd never wish anything like this on anyone, though I know that others suffer with me.
And because it's my journal, and I want to...
*one must keep in mind that we were only dating for roughly 6 weeks...so we were still in the "honeymoon stage". How things would have progressed past those 6 weeks if she were still here, I don't know. I'll never know. All I know is that I've mad ea damned good life for myself over the past 6 years, and wouldn't change it for anything. Yes, I sometimes wonder where I'd be or what I'd be doing now, if she were still alive...but those are just questions that will never have an answer.
