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Long time no write, eh? Well something you said earlier today struck me. And since I've caught up with a lot of friends this weekend, I thought it fit.
So, I was driving home from a dinner date with Tom tonight and I cried. First time in a long time I just let myself let it all out. Yeah, probably shouldn't have been driving while it was happening, but you know how it goes, sometimes you can't stop the tears.
I read your livejournal on a whim today. Probably because I had read Skye's to see how the her and Andrea thing went. It was just natural to check up on you.
So, I wanted to say I'm sorry for not being there for you the way I should have been. God, ages ago I was like your one and only confidante. I mean, you told me everything. And hell, yeah, I caused some trouble with you and your exes, and my friends because I knew that none of them were the one for you. I now know why I put you off in the beginning. I knew there was someone out there for you, I just knew it.
So, I was reading about how devestated you were, and are about Paula. I remember Tori or Skye or you telling me and me crying myself to sleep for a week over it. Yeah, I know, I never met her. You never said you wanted me to. But I knew, the way you talked about her, how sure you were that she was the one. And she was, more than anyone else ever could be. And I remember talking to you about the tickets to Aerosmith. "My friend Paula wants to go," you said. Why didn't you say girlfriend?
So, for the reason I've been more distant than usual. Remember I say reason, this is by no means an excuse. Like said, I cried for a week after I found out. I know you're devestated. You always will be and a part of you will be missing for the rest of your life. But I wish you could imagine the crippling guilt I feel. I mean, that was _my_ ticket Jefe. Why the hell am I allowed to be driving my beat-up car with no high beams to a home where I live with my parents, aren't working and really don't have anything spectacular going for me? I live with unbearable guilt every single day. Yeah, I have a new appreciation of life, but I can't help feeling incredibly guilty and I really have this impossible time shaking the belief that it really should have been me. So that's what I've been feeling. Have you ever seen "Bounce"? It's like that. I don't think I could ever express in words the oppressing guilt I feel.
And come on, how do I tell you that? I'm sorry I haven't been there for you like Tori or anyone else has, but I couldn't when I felt and do and probably always will feel very much to blame. But I wanted to tell you, it was about time since I'm reconnecting with everyone.
Despite everything that has happened kiddo, you've pulled through like a trooper. You're stronger than you think you are and I know it's little consolation, especially now, but God doesn't give us anything we can't handle.
Sorry for the vent.
So, I was driving home from a dinner date with Tom tonight and I cried. First time in a long time I just let myself let it all out. Yeah, probably shouldn't have been driving while it was happening, but you know how it goes, sometimes you can't stop the tears.
I read your livejournal on a whim today. Probably because I had read Skye's to see how the her and Andrea thing went. It was just natural to check up on you.
So, I wanted to say I'm sorry for not being there for you the way I should have been. God, ages ago I was like your one and only confidante. I mean, you told me everything. And hell, yeah, I caused some trouble with you and your exes, and my friends because I knew that none of them were the one for you. I now know why I put you off in the beginning. I knew there was someone out there for you, I just knew it.
So, I was reading about how devestated you were, and are about Paula. I remember Tori or Skye or you telling me and me crying myself to sleep for a week over it. Yeah, I know, I never met her. You never said you wanted me to. But I knew, the way you talked about her, how sure you were that she was the one. And she was, more than anyone else ever could be. And I remember talking to you about the tickets to Aerosmith. "My friend Paula wants to go," you said. Why didn't you say girlfriend?
So, for the reason I've been more distant than usual. Remember I say reason, this is by no means an excuse. Like said, I cried for a week after I found out. I know you're devestated. You always will be and a part of you will be missing for the rest of your life. But I wish you could imagine the crippling guilt I feel. I mean, that was _my_ ticket Jefe. Why the hell am I allowed to be driving my beat-up car with no high beams to a home where I live with my parents, aren't working and really don't have anything spectacular going for me? I live with unbearable guilt every single day. Yeah, I have a new appreciation of life, but I can't help feeling incredibly guilty and I really have this impossible time shaking the belief that it really should have been me. So that's what I've been feeling. Have you ever seen "Bounce"? It's like that. I don't think I could ever express in words the oppressing guilt I feel.
And come on, how do I tell you that? I'm sorry I haven't been there for you like Tori or anyone else has, but I couldn't when I felt and do and probably always will feel very much to blame. But I wanted to tell you, it was about time since I'm reconnecting with everyone.
Despite everything that has happened kiddo, you've pulled through like a trooper. You're stronger than you think you are and I know it's little consolation, especially now, but God doesn't give us anything we can't handle.
Sorry for the vent.
